Opinion

26 Most Desirable Things

Chainsaw assault rifles, three-breasted girlfriends and a decent mobile phone – we want what the world of entertainment is selling

  1. Two chained-up zombies

    The only reason to watch any episodes of The Walking Dead: the first appearance of Michonne, a former female attorney who saves Otis’ life with a long katana sword and travels with two armless members of the undead on a leash. Now that, ladies, is how you accessorise.

  2. A codpiece revolver

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    From Dusk Till Dawn, Desperado… Robert Rodriguez is cinema’s greatest advocate of crotch-based arms. Discreet, lethal and – with gonad-esque twin round cylinders – anatomically scrupulous too, they’re perfect for any combat situation where there’s a high probability you’ll remove your pants. And way less offensive than that vagina howitzer we had to mothball a few months back.

  3. The enormous speaker from Back to the Future

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    As long as that Emmett-Brown lunatic thought to bring back an iPod dock from “the future”. I.e. now.

  4. The dog sidekick from Shadow Dancer

    Just to clarify, we mean Sega’s 1989 sequel to the classic ninja game Shinobi. And not this year’s Clive Owen depress-a-thon about IRA informants in 1990s Belfast. God no. Although maybe if the RUC had faithful white Alsatians to subdue rioters, “the Troubles” would have been over a lot quicker. One for the Good Friday Agreement people to ponder.

  5. A girlfriend with three boobs

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    If only so we don’t feel so self-conscious about our own extraneous third nipple. And were she to suddenly start repeating the phrase “two weeks”, and her head disassemble to reveal a crappy animatronic Arnie head a la Total Recall? Well then we really are talking boner.

  6. Brad Pitt’s moustache

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    And, obviously, the gravitas to pull it off. Because we’d definitely be aiming for “Inglourious Nazi-hunting WW2 hero Basterd”. But let’s face it: with our fragmented genes, chances are we’d stall at “1982’s Most Wanted Pederast”. Or get carried away and wander perilously into Selleck territory. And then into the bizarre Merv Hughes hinterland beyond. Eesh.

  7. George Clooney’s sex toy

    Legally-speaking, it should be clear we mean the pedal-powered “dildo chair” Clooney built in 2008’s Burn After Reading, while playing sex-crazed US Treasury agent Harry Pfarrer. And not any of his personal collection. Which might not even exist at all, such is his renowned lovemaking proficiency. With women. And even if it did, it would definitely not include a strap on.

  8. Mark Wahlberg’s Boogie Nights appendage

    Only because, when it comes to an 11-inch wang, we don’t like competition. (Call us, ladies.)

  9. Rowlf from the Muppets

    Not as a pet, you understand – the indignity! – but as a respected house guest with one job: providing light piano accompaniment whenever we’re entertaining. And maybe scoring some uppers off Animal – patently the band’s dealer – should the evening head “in that direction”.

  10. That psychotic gang of kids from The White Ribbon

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    Because as cadres of personal bodyguards go, there’s nothing more formidable than sinister, emotionally-scarred pre-war German teenagers. Who only appear in black and white.

  11. Downton Abbey

    As somewhere to live, Highclere Castle in Hampshire (the actual filming location) is obviously a pretty sweet crib. But more fun would be living with a group of people who still think it’s 1921. “Look, Maggie Smith – the internet! And hey Carson – can you say ‘microwave’?”

  12. Ecto 1

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    Just imagine it: hooning the actual Ghostbusters 1959 Cadillac Miller-Meteor ambulance limo around your local Tescos car park. The siren! The flashing lights! The four unlicensed particle accelerators on the back seat! And hey – someone playing drum ‘n’ bass too loudly from a tricked-out Vauxhall Astra? No problem! Just release Gozer from the onboard containment unit – she’ll sort ‘em out! Plus, on the serious side: the unrivalled amount of bootspace. That’ll pay for itself in terms of trips to Ikea – mark our words.

  13. Daniel Day- Lewis’s squint

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    Because there’s nothing like the demented, swivelling leer of Bill ‘The Butcher’ Cutting from Gangs of New York to garner fear and respect. And, on occasion, suggestions for good quality over-the-counter laxatives.

  14. Michael Wincott’s voice

    The very definition of “wooden” – but in the most laudable way possible. For the unkempt Canadian star of The Crow and Alien: Resurrection possesses timbres of pure timber. A primeval growl that resonates like deep oak, or a red-burnished mahogany. Hearing him speak is like rubbing your face on an evergreen forest. Which is better than our own vocal intonation – more like “dangerously splintering MDF.”

  15. The cornballer from Arrested Development

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    The very fact it is banned in the US, and inventor George Bluth is currently wanted in Mexico due to pending lawsuits over third degree burns sustained while using it, makes the culinary marvel all the more sought-after. What a dinner party conversation piece! (I.e. something you talk about, but on no account touch.)

  16. The Queen Vic from EastEnders

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    Apparently the only pub in East London not perpetually on the brink of redevelopment into soulless luxury flats – or being forced to stage endless open mic nights and rent its back room out to Fathers4Justice just to make ends meet. Also the only hostelry with regular clientele not restricted to two unemployed people nursing half a Guinness for six hours, and a bloke on a mobility scooter playing the fruity.

  17. The ability to put on a suit jacket like President Bartlet

    Of course, due to a birth defect, Martin Sheen’s left arm is roughly three inches shorter than his right. So that swishing over-the-head motion he uses in The West Wing is actually a medical necessity. But still, we’d love to punctuate pivotal office decisions will this kind of politically-astute flounce. Or hell, even own a suit in the first place.

  18. A Gears of War Lancer

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    “I mean, yah, for sure, my current assault rifle is ok. If you just want to, like, shoot stuff. But can it prune overgrown foliage? Or haphazardly chop meat? No sirree. And if I can figure out how to attach a corkscrew, that’s our camping trip to Sera sorted.”

  19. Herbie

    A cute car with a mischievous personality? Balls to that. Do you know how much mint-condition 1963 VW Beetle parts are going for? Off to the scrapyard Herbs!

  20. Indiana Jones’ battered leather jacket

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    Not for the look, you understand. Regardless of style or colour, leather jackets always make us look like Middle-Aged Man At C&A or the Fonz in a circus mirror. No, instead think what Indy might have left in the pockets. One of the Sankara Stones! A crumpled B+W of Karen Allen in sussies and nylons! And not what we glumly suspect: an eighth of really strong weed and some Sanatogen.

  21. H-O-L-D F-A-S-T tattoos on our knuckles

    True, we might not be an elderly midshipman facing down a heavily-armed French privateer (as in Master And Commander). But brandishing this kind of silent, digit-based encouragement can ease many stressful situations. Off the top of our head: during dull Powerpoint demonstrations at work. Or when your wife enters her 32nd hour of agonising childbirth; the list goes on.

  22. Jack Bauer’s mobile phone

    For the uplink to the NSA database? For Chloe’s round-the-clock support? Nope. Just for the battery life. CTU’s most hard-bitten operative is on the blower for, well, 24 hours a day. Meanwhile, we can’t walk to the newsagents without a charger. What gives, Hollywood?

  23. Dug the dog from Up!

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    All dogs love you unconditionally – that’s a drooling, tail-wagging fact. But it’d just be nice to understand what one of them is actually thinking ever so oft… SQUIRREL!

  24. The respect of LA street gangs

    The grudging hard-won deference Denzel Washington earns in Training Day across South Central. OK, we live in leafy West London. But it’d be nice to just… know.

  25. Michael Jackson’s entourage

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    Not the batshit real-life version, obviously. We don’t want Tito Jackson turning up at our house and screeching through dinner. Or a creepy live-in doctor offering us horse tranquilisers to “help us sleep”. And definitely none of those disabled kids he kept at Neverland; brrr. No, we mean the synchronised suit squad from Smooth Criminal. First appearance: 1988 video compendium Moonwalker. Latest appearance: accompanying our entrance into Infernos nightclub in South London. Like. A. Boss.

  26. The dystopian reality from The Matrix

    Because some mornings, you just think: “Fuck this. Maybe being a chemically-numbed incognizant battery cell for homicidal machine overlords wouldn’t be so bad after all. At least I wouldn’t have to get dressed.”

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