Shut Up And Serve

Hypothesis
In The Apartment (this researcher’s favourite Christmas-set film, watched yearly at London’s legendary Prince Charles Cinema), Jack Lemmon’s lonely bachelor C.C. Baxter cooks a pasta meal for himself and convalescing guest, Fran. When the spaghetti is ready, he strains it using not a colander, but a wooden tennis racket. The spaghetti makes it onto plates and not as a soggy mess in the sink – as one would expect from using a tool with such wide holes. This is even after he inexplicably rinses the spaghetti with cold tap water. The question arises: is this feasible (distinct from “practical”) methodology?

This experiment will test the merits of Baxter’s unorthodox cooking technique, and conclude whether he is a culinary genius, or should be reported to the Pasta Police.

Prediction
This researcher predicts the spaghetti will run straight through the large holes in the racket, resulting in a tragedy: no dinner. However she is hoping for success, in order to keep the magic of cinema alive – and to be able to eat her dinner.

Equipment
 50g dried spaghetti
 Saucepan
 500ml Water
 Wooden tennis racket

The existential dread of a salaryman facing spending Christmas alone
Method
1. Place the spaghetti and water into the pan, season with salt.
2. Boil according to package instructions or until spaghetti is al dente (9 mins approx).
3. When time is up, transfer the pan to the sink.
4. Holding the tennis racket in one hand and the pan in the other, strain the spaghetti.
5. (Optional) Rinse the spaghetti with cold water from the tap whilst the spaghetti is still on the tennis racket – for some insane reason.
6. Serve with a sauce of your choice.

Outcome
At first, this experiment looked hopeful. Upon the initial contact between pasta and racket, the starch in the noodles allowed it to hold firm in a mass on the surface. However, once applying the slight shake necessary to ensure all water has been drained, approximately 30% of the spaghetti slid through the tennis racket, into the sink. Step 5 cannot be recommended, as it leads to even more pasta ending up in the sink, rendering it inedible and inadequate for a Christmas meal.

Conclusion
Jack Lemmon is clearly a master of comedy and of cooking with unusual utensils to keep almost 100% of his spaghetti on his makeshift colander. Maybe it was the Christmas spirit, maybe they just don’t make movies (or pasta, or tennis rackets) like that any more. This film remains best enjoyed without
an authentically-cooked spaghetti meal.