Opinion

9 WORST PLACES TO WORK

Movie workplaces you should think twice about mailing your CV to…

  1. THE WEYLAND CORPORATION (The Alien Franchise, 1979-) 
    The one monster Ellen Ripley couldn’t defeat. Weyland became the biggest company on the planet thanks to its development in all sorts of clever tech, off-world “shake and bake” colonisation, commercial space freight operations and producing unhinged murderous androids. If you get the chance to meet the boss – Peter Weyland – try not stare at his rubbish ‘old man’ make up.
  2. DELOS (Westworld, 2016-)
    Working at a theme park specialising in sex and gun play may seem fun at first. However, Westworld operator Delos may not be the place to set your long terms goals due to the high level of ‘missing’ employees. That, and the constant threat of an android uprising. You get to see some robot tits though on a daily basis, so every cloud…
  3. CHAMPIONSHIP VINYL (High Fidelity, 2000)
    Your boss is a lovelorn, depressed underachiever constantly muttering to himself about top 5s and has daily confrontations with exes, family members and Tom Robbins with a ponytail. Your other colleague is Jack Black. Maybe the death of the record store wasn’t a completely bad thing…
  4. BUY N LARGE (Wall-E, 2008)
    There isn’t an awful lot for human employees of Buy N Large to do, other than simply overseeing the robots who run the show. However, that downtime leaves plenty of time to think about your very real role in the destruction of your mother planet. That, and your horrific, cartoonish morbid obesity.
  5. DARKPLACE HOSPITAL (Garth Merenghi’s Darkplace, 2004)
    Location is often a factor in choosing your job, but if you’ve ever cursed the parking at your office spare a thought for the occupants of Darkplace Hospital. Situated “over the very gates of hell”, the staff regularly deal with possessions, eyeball children and broccoli infections.
  6. BELKO INDUSTRIES (The Belko Experiment, 2017)
    The urge to kill your co-workers is taken to a very real extreme in the James Gunn-penned horror, where employees are locked in and entered into a deadly death match, with eighty being whittled down to one. I think we can all agree leaving the office alive is the minimum requirement for any future position. Still, that hole punch makes a useful weapon…
  7. THE GATSBY RESIDENCE (The Great Gatsby, 2013)
    Sure, the wild parties are fun for those invited, but “the help” are the ones who are going to have to clear that shit up. Did you see what the lady with the angel wings did to the study? These epic tasks are coupled with the notion that your employers tangling with murderous aristocrats means you’ll be looking for a new job pretty soon.
  8. CONSOLIDATED COMPANIES (Nine To Five, 1980)
    Sexual harassment is no laughing matter, even if it does inspire a catchy theme tune. Dolly Parton, Jane Fonda and Lily Tomlin suffer unmercifully at the hands of their boss, the type of archaic letch that makes us thankful we live in the age of HR Departments. “What a way to make a livin’” indeed.
  9. QUICK STOP (Clerks, 1991)
    Working with two joyless slackers who specialise in contempt for customers and completely inappropriate workplace conversations is going to get old very quickly. Oh, and are we just ignoring the two drug dealers who have set up shop at the front of the store?